Why is it so hard for me to make daily blog post? I guess because I would actually have to sit down and gather my thoughts and focus on them long enough to composs the post... And that is really hard for me to do!
But I need to vent, so here I am... gathering my thoughts and compossing them into this blog post... Sorry for the venting, I know it is not interesting, but I need to do it!
So, in my first post I spoke about my daughters and made it a point to say my oldest is a real miracle baby... Actually both of my girls are since I was told I would probably never have children after losing a little boy, and giving birth to another stillborn little boy... So, before I vent let me go into detail about why I say my oldest is my miracle child...
I became pregnant with Clover shortly after having a stillborn little boy, Cullen. My pregnancy with her was long and very complex. I went into early labor twice, was on bedrest from the start of my pregnancy... And lots of other issue! The delivery was just as bad... My spinal did not take, and they didn't double check to see if it had before they started my c-section, since they were in such a hurry... I felt them cut me open and turned to my nurse and told her I was in the most horrible pain and asked if I was dying. She realized what was going on and after saying something, which I didn't hear, to my anesthesiologist, they gave a 'worried' look and then my anesthesiologist told me she was helping me... Which meant she was giving me a strong doe of narcotics, and other meds to help with my over racing heart (I was born with a heart defects). When Clover was finally born, she wasn't breathing. Which was horrible... All of the fears that went through my head... panic... and the worse part was I was so 'drugged' I couldn't even ask anyone if she was okay... if he was alive! But after they ran out of the room to work with her, they got her breathing... and thirty mins or so later I got to see (but not hold) my sweet baby girl... About an hour after she was born I finally got to hold her! But her struggles were not over yet... After her second birthday Clover was diagnosed with Autism with seizures (she showed signs of Autism from the day she was born and has had seizure since then too)! She couldn't talk, walk or eat well, or do anything really besides puzzles. She only wanted to watch static on tv, play with puzzle or line thing up. Over the past three years she has came very far and proven a lot of her doctors wrong! And her Autism is the reason for my vent now...
So, now we finally get to my vent... Can you believe I actually made it this far... I haven't even gotten side-tracked once!
She has always had issues with harming herself... pulling out her hair, hitting her head against the wall, pinching herself, etc... It eased up a year and a half ago or so, and it hasn't been a problem... but a little while ago I spotted a bruise on her forearm and it was a perfect bite mark... To start with I thought Willow did it... And was very upset because she has been out of the 'biting stage' for a while now and for her to bite her sister was a big no/no! I started talking to Willow about biting Clover and Clover spoke up "I bit me! I did it". So, I looked closer and there were 2 marks, and sure enough they were done by her!!! she is harming herself again and I don't know when she would be doing it. I watch her so closely now! So, I sit here upset and just had a cry because my child wants to hurt herself... and I say want too because when I sat her down to talk to her about it and I asked her why she was biting herself she said "I want too. I like doing it!".
This highly worries me because what if this behavior continues and gets worse over time? Hopefully it is just another 'stage' and will stop soon again!