Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I have always been go all in or go home kinda person... Which has often led me to problems. I over work, over extend myself and put an unreal amount of stress on myself.

When I start something I go all in... Even if it is not the best or smartest choice... And normally it isn't. Like when I decided to go back to college, once again, this semester. I knew how busy I was going to be between work, my children, being a wife (cooking, cleaning, etc), and volunteering... Yet what did I do? I signed up for a full load of classes! I have no idea why I did that to myself because it has done nothing but caused me endless stress and I am currently behind in my work... Which I do plan on catching up today and tomorrow... Oh wait, shouldn't I be doing that now instead of blogging? Yea, probably but hey, I have been slacking at my blogging and if I don't do it while my mind is on it I will not do it today.

Each of us has a method of handling stress and dealing with life in general... Some of us has found great methods of handling it... Other of us not the greatest.... And which of these do I fall in? I don't think I would fall into either of them! I think I am in the middle. I recently came out of denial and admitted to myself that I have an eating disorder, and have for well over 12 years now, it took me a few days to fully take it in and then I admitted it to my husband and talked to him about it.

If you looked at me, you would never think she has an ED, which is probably why I am in the spot I am in today. I was bulimic for 2.5 years when my husband figured it out (we were only dating at the time), and helped me 'overcome' my issues... The funny thing is I actually thought I had. I was eating... I wasn't vomiting! I was over my 'bad' eating habits. The only thing is I spent the last 10+ years not better at all. I am a compulsive over eater now... The great thing is no one thinks anything of that! Over eating so unhealthy is okay? Ironically I actually hate to eat... I hate food! They are only a few foods I like to eat! Yet, when I become stressed, nervous, bored, or sometimes just walk into a kitchen it sets off this uncontrollable force to eat... And I do! For a long time I stayed at a very healthy weight doing this... But for the last 3 years, I have been at a very unhealthy weight and couldn't lose it no matter what I tried... Because of my uncontrollable eating habits! The this weekend I decided to google "weight gain after overcoming bulimia" and boom... There was my answer! I still have an eating disorder and it never registered. From the list of things to look for in someone who compulsively over eats to the point of it being considered an eating disorder I answered 'yes!' to every question besides one... and once I read up on it more, I realized I have a problem and I need help!

I happened to already have a doctors appointment today for normal me stuff... meaning a check up on my heart and to make sure my current meds are doing their job. So, I talked to the doctor today about my ED. I got tips and I am not doing monthly weigh-ins with him, and after 3 months if I haven't reached the goal he set for me, then I have to go into therapy (his orders). Wish me luck. I need it! I need a way of dealing with my stress without the urge to eat, yet I am worried I won't find that method. "It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to." And I HAVE to do this, so I am looking at a long hard road in front of me once again!

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